2012 — Doomsday for the GOP? Verse 1

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Friends,
This week Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin made her intentions clear that she aims to unseat President Obama in the Mayan Calendar end-time year of the 2012 presidential elections.

She felt it politically expedient for her future ambitions to risk a political setback in Alaska by attending Vanderburgh County Right to Life banquet in Indiana where she wowed a sell out conservative audience packed with key fundraising Pro-lifers. Her absence from Juneau may have cost her. The Alaskan legislators voted down her choice for Attorney General in a close vote that her presence on the job as governor might have carried.

I now wonder what a Palin run would do for the Republican Party. Divining an answer requires something completely different in today’s blog entry.

I’m only joking, and, as usual, I’m joking in earnest. So, I’m sure to push as many buttons as I poke funny bones with Part One of this prophecy from a great, yet little known, Elephant-headed sage of the Grand Old Party.

Thus spake Willie Horton Heares A. Hooey, in Chapter 11, verse 86-ed of the Book of GOPre-gurgelation:

“Friends, Rednecks, countrymen! Lend me your Grand Old Party Elephant ears!”

The crowd settled in a hush-Rush of Limbau-awe, for that old Elephant had a long memory of all things wise and Republican that went all the way back to Abe Lincoln, who in the Civil War put their party on the political map by pretending to be the return of Barack Obama.

“I have not come to praise Sarah Palin’s political aspirations,” said Willie Horton H.A.H., “but to bury them, for the sake of our party’s future.

“Take this not as a dagger in the breast from someone ‘et tu Brutish,’ for she is an honorable, righteously evangelical, Gabriel-blowing-her-apocalyptical-horn right-winging daughter of our base Republican platform of many a moon, since Moses parted the Ralph Sea of Reeds and our Grand Old Party of fair conservative values was Lynchburg Virginia-ed by a new Moral Majority in the 1980s when the Gingrich stole Democrat Christmas in 1994 midterm elections.

“Take not our daughter from Wasilla Mooselands to Carl Rove the nether lands of Washington AC DC! For I fear she shall make such an end of the Party of Lincoln, in a bid to unseat the new Lincoln from Illinois in 2012 if we doth boost her head large and insufferably full with the AIGues of attack politics and girdle her loins with a big fat Bible Belt.

“I hear the braying prayers of Donkeycrats in the lower, nether, 48 states, that we should be so ill advised to pander to our Republican base beliefs of straight and narrow ‘e pluribus polarity Unum’ of faith based presidencies over fact based policies.

“Well! Burn my flag and go gay in the military, ladies and gentlemen of our Grand Old Party, we must return to our fundamentals.

“The Union is Bushed and tired of the apocalyptic path that got us into power unto now. To believe we can drag this dead cat canon around will only aid in our land becoming completely Donkeycratatonic.

“That is just what they want us to do, those blue Brutus hoof-in-mouth meanies of liberal mushiness.

“It is time to stop Nixing our Nixons. Let’s eak out our Ikes. Yes, folks! You can pat the Buchanans but heed the call to a new Republican Apostle Paul, (Ron Paul, that is) and drive forward in eco-hybrid Humvee shining, with eyes forward, cast on the rear view mirror back into that good Goldwater future.

“Let us return to the virtues of actually being conservatives, defenders of individual freedoms, and fiscally responsible government that worked. Keep your faith unto God, not flash, and wave it around unto legislation. Let God judge — not us –who is going to abortion hell in a hand plastic basket bag.

“We have gone all Donkeycratic in our nation building, heart bleeding and deficit spending and have felt the sting of the voter that giveth and thus taketh away the House, Senate and that shining White House on a hill.

“These are the times to try a Dumbopublican tail. We must for a presidential cycle or two, walk through the valley in the shadow of the Left, but we shall fear no evil, unless we should stumble in tundra and tear out our hair in strident Caribou-hoos!

“Let not the Donkeycrat’s choice for Republican candidate in 2012 be riding a Palin horse of political apocalypse. May not this rider destroy a third of the Republican skies, a third of the Republican waters and a third of the Republican seats in House and Senate, because only our baser party stalwarts voted in 2012 and we got only a third of the popular vote against Obama who thus won his second term.

“The Mayan Calendar says doomsday is off 12 years. Not 2000 but in 2012 it falls, on the Winter Solstice: 21 December.

“But Lo! My friends. Lend a Dumbopublican ear. Doomsday comes a little over a month earlier for our Grand Old Party on the first Tuesday of that November 2012!

“I have seen a vision of four horsemen of Republican apocalypse!!”

The assembled convention leaned forward. It was so quiet that you could hear a “Bush Sucks” political pin drop. The silence in heaven and on earth lasted for the next two days..

Stay tuned…

John Hogue
(18 April 2009)

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